Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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