Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
