you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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