You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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