Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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