I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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