She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
