I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
