i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
