Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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