I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
