I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
