Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
