if you like me you must not know who I am
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
