i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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