I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
