Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
