Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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