If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
