just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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