My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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