Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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