Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
