i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
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