all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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