The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
