I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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