Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
