She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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