Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
