oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Randomize
