After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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