just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
