i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
