just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
