3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
