Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
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