Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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