Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
