How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
