You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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