what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
