So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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