This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
