I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
