Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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