I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
