Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
