now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
