Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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