My balls are so social today.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
