Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
